My Dirty Little Book of Stolen Time

Synopsis: In fin-de-siecle Copenhagen, part-time prostitute Charlotte & her lumpen sidekick, Fru Schleswig, have taken on jobs as cleaning ladies of dubious talent to tide them over the harsh winter of 1897. But the home of their neurotic new employer, the widow Krak, soon reveals itself to be riddled with dark secrets - including the existence of a demonic machine rumoured to swallow people alive. Rudely catapulted into twenty-first-century London, the hapless duo discover a whole new world of glass, labour-saving devices & hectic, impossible romance.

Review: I like Liz Jensen when she's in absurd & wacky mode. When she's more serious (as in books like The Rapture & The Ninth Life of Louis Drax) I don't enjoy her as much, it's as if I can suspend disbelief about time travelling & primate human children but when her books are more true to life I find them far fetched & incredible.This is just a real romp from start to finish, it's bawdy & very funny & there's a liberal amount of smut so you need to be broad minded.

Charlotte is a floozie there's no getting away from it & she has the morals of an alley cat but she's likeable & so you do root for her (& she sucks up to the reader something rotten to ensure it.) It's 1897 and Charlotte & her sidekick (or mother .. depending on who you believe) Fru Schleswig are down on their luck. One of Charlotte's regular clients is doing time & another is dead (one bad oyster) & so they need to find an income quickly. And that's how they find themselves working as cleaners for the rather sinister & odd Fru Krak in her gloomy house. Rumour has it that Fru Krak killed her husband, Professor Krak, & further still that his ghost is frequently to be seen travelling the lakeside road to the letterbox. Certainly the house is a strange one, for a start there is the rather mysterious & out of bounds 'Oblivion Room' in the basement. It was Professor Kraks workshop when he was alive & whatever went on in there drew the curiosity & interest of many but these days it is most definitely out of bounds & Fru Krak is murderously determined to keep it that way but Charlotte is one of those girls who most definitely will start poking around the west wing .. especially if forbidden.It's all incredibly silly & ridiculous but at the same time hugely entertaining especially the first half of the book which I just rattled through. I didn't enjoy the book as much when the story moved to twenty-first century England, it seems ridiculous to say that it didn't ring true, given that nearly everything beforehand was so utterly preposterous but when a story moves to more familiar territory it's easier to see the holes in it. Charlotte finds her love interest in the future & I wasn't entirely convinced about the relationship, also .. a bit like the shrew who was tamed .. she wasn't as interesting or funny when she stopped being bad. But they are just small niggles, on the whole I found it inventive & funny.

I've replaced most of my 'ands' with ampersands as Liz does in this book. If you can cope with it in the review (or didn't notice it) then you'll be ok, if it irritates you, the book will drive you mad.

Digging to America

Synopsis: Friday August 15th, 1997 - The night the girls arrived, two tiny Korean babies are delivered to Baltimore to two families who have no more in common than this. First there are the Donaldsons, decent Brad and homespun, tenacious Bitsy (with her 'more organic than thou' airs, who believes fervently that life can always be improved), two full sets of grandparents and a host of big-boned, confident relatives, taking delivery with characteristic American razzmatazz. Then there are the Yazdans, pretty, nervous Ziba (her family 'only one generation removed from the bazaar') and carefully assimilated Sami, with his elegant, elusive Iranian-born widowed mother Maryam, the grandmother-to-be, receiving their little bundle with wondering discretion. Every year, on the anniversary of 'Arrival Day' their two extended families celebrate together, with more and more elaborately competitive parties, as tiny, delicate Susan, wholesome, stocky Jin-ho and, later, her new little sister Xiu-Mei, take roots, become American. While Maryam, the optimistic pessimist, confident that if things go wrong - as well they may - she will manage as she has before, contrarily preserves her 'outsider' status, as if to prove that, despite her passport, she is only a guest in this bewildering country.

Review: This was very easy to read but just occasionally dull. The two families meet by accident, they are both at the airport to take delivery of their newly adopted baby girls from Korea. Jin-ho's new family are there en masse with badges, banners, camcorders and razamatazz whilst Susan's arrival is a rather more quiet affair but the two families bond over their shared experience and every year on the 'Arrival Day' anniversary a party is held and the old videos watched (they're mainly of Jin-ho .. Susan just happened to be captured in the background.) These parties are fairly excrutiating, not to say competitive, Jin-ho's adoptive mother Bitsy is determined to find a song that they can all sing but despite her best efforts the best they can come up with is 'coming round the mountain'. (and though every year she is determined they will sing something else ... she's always thwarted somehow.) It's a bit like 'One Day' in as much as the story is mainly focused on these once a year celebrations. There's plenty of humour as Jin-ho's family, and Bitsy in particular, are a bit pushy and intense (Bitsy is into organic food, hand woven clothes and wearing black and white because 'babies can't see colours.') .. this is in contrast to the Yazdans who are more laid back and reflective but despite being a little overbearing, Bitsy's warmth and genuine good naturedness is the glue that holds them all together and keeps them in touch. The most interesting character is Susan's grandmother Maryam .. she's the one I wanted to read about though I would have liked to know what the two girls made of it all. We rarely see things from their perspective though and the book finishes before they're grown up.

I like the way Tyler writes, her cast of characters were interesting and her observations spot-on. She has something interesting to say too about immigration and how, it doesn't matter how long you've lived in your adopted country, it can still be an alien place to you. I didn't think it was a great book, there were some dull spots, but it was a good one and I'll be interested to read more from her.

Once in a House on Fire

Synopsis: Set in 1970s Manchester, Once in a House on Fire tells the true story of three sisters and their mother, a close-knit and loving family forced to battle with poverty, abuse and the effects of depression. Beautifully written and deeply inspiring, with a new afterword by Andrea Ashworth, it is a book that will stay with its readers for ever. 'This is a brilliant book. Brilliantly written, brilliantly thought, brilliantly remembered ...Ashworth has written an extraordinary memoir; the only pity is that she had to live it to make it' Scotsman 'Enchanting and thrilling ...As a chronicle of northern working-class life in the seventies and eighties ...it would be hard to better this book. It is extremely moving ...It is also at time surprisingly, and gratifyingly, very funny' Tim Lott, The Times 'Full of energy, wit and a child's wide-open gaze ...Andrea Ashworth escaped the fire to write a remarkable book' Blake Morrison, Independent on Sunday.

Review: I suppose you'd call this a misery memoir ... there is a lot of misery but Andrea has such a sense of humour, and she's such a great storyteller, that it's a joy to read (though it is frequently and relentlessly upsetting.) Her story begins in Manchester, it's the 1970's, Andrea is six, her sister Laurie is four ... two dark haired, olive skinned beauties ... their father is dead and their mother has a new baby on the way. Andrea and Laurie are introduced to Peter Hawkins ... 'a looming, red-faced man, quite a bit older than her' and told that this was their new daddy. Andrea skids to a halt one afternoon when she is addressed by her headmaster by a new name ... Andrea Clarke-Hawkins ... 'My name wagged it's ugly new tail, stirring whispers behind my back until the home bell rang. My mother wasn't there to explain the name; she was in hospital giving birth to our new sister, Sarah, who came out blonde and screaming.'

And this is just the beginning really, to say that her mum (Lorraine)is bad at picking men is an understatement. She has two attempts at finding a suitable partner for herself but both choices are catastrophic. Outwardly the men couldn't be more different but, as soon as the chips are down, they both resort to using their fists as weapons and Lorraine's face as a punchbag. It's a cliché but really it's as if Lorraine is drawn towards abusive men, almost as if she doesn't feel worthy of anything better. There are rows, fights, recriminations, depressions, break-ups and reconciliations galore but, although it puts the girls in terrible danger (and completely ruins their childhood) you can't feel anger towards her, she's just too pathetic for that and the life she makes for herself seems it's own punishment really.

As is often the case in these situations, Andrea finds herself having to grow up fast and she's certainly a whole lot more sensible than her mum, having to step in often to run the household at a very young age and be a mum to her two young sisters when her mother is too ill or too beaten to function properly. Amongst the myriad of crimes that can be levelled at both of Andrea's stepfathers, bookcrime is definitely one and if my teeth hadn't already been ground into stumps by the violence then they would have been over their treatment of Andrea's books. School is her salvation though and there's a lovely passage in the book where the nine year old Andrea wins the school annual competition (for wrestling over a hundred words from the name 'Manchester') and wins a green leather bound edition of The Secret Garden. She loves it but is a bit daunted ... 'it felt heavy and exciting between my hands but I couldn't imagine actually opening it to read the pages, because it wasn't by Enid Blyton. My teachers were always telling me that I would have to give up her tales - they talked about 'Enid Blyton' as if it were an illness.' ... She loves learning and recognises that it's her chance to make something of herself and Lorraine for once is adamant that she will because, as she says to her, 'you're my hope' but that's easier said than done in a house where 'smacks come out of the blue' and whisky and blood stains are forever being sponged from the walls and carpet.

The story is a depressing and frightening one but the hope in it is uplifting and she writes sublimely.

The Girl Who Chased the Moon

Synopsis: Emily Benedict came to Mullaby, North Carolina, hoping to solve at least some of the riddles surrounding her mother's life. But the moment Emily enters the house where her mother grew up and meets the grandfather she never knew, she realises that mysteries aren't solved in Mullaby, they're a way of life. Here are rooms where the wallpaper changes to suit your mood. Unexplained lights skip across the yard at midnight. And a neighbour, Julia Winterson, bakes hope in the form of cakes, offering them to satisfy the town's sweet tooth - but also in the hope of rekindling a love she fears might be lost forever. Can a hummingbird cake really bring back a lost love? Is there really a ghost dancing in Emily's backyard? The answers are never what you expect. But in this town of lovable misfits, the unexpected fits right in.

Review: This book was very easy get into, it's not too involved but it's quirky enough to stand out from the crowd. It's quite mystical, the wallpaper in Emily's bedroom changes according to her mood, there are strange lights that seem to beckon, a mysterious family that never appear at night, and a notion that baking can summon a lost love or rekindle fond memories. I enjoyed it at first but as it went along, it seemed to ingest too much of it's own sweetness and it became too saccharine and obvious. The male characters were a little bit cardboard too, I never quite believed in them and I didn't warm to Emily much either preferring it when the narrative was with her neighbour Julia. Having said that it is well written and engaging, I liked the setting and the sense of mystery which pervades the story and keeps you wondering, it just needed that extra something to nudge it into being really memorable.

Perfect reading for when you don't want to have to think that hard but ultimately disappointing .. like a jam doughnut that's not heavy enough on the jam. A good beach or garden book though.

Pastoralia

Synopsis: 'Saunders is an astoundingly tuned voice - graceful, dark, authentic and funny - telling just the kind of stories we need to get us through these times' Thomas Pynchon In PASTORALIA elements of contemporary life are twisted, merged and amplified into a slightly skewed version of modern America. A couple live and work in a caveman theme-park, where speaking is an instantly punishable offence. A born loser attends a self-help seminar where he is encouraged to rid himself of all the people who are 'crapping in your oatmeal'. And a male exotic dancer and his family are terrorised by their decomposing aunt who visits them with a solemn message from beyond the grave. With an uncanny combination of deadpan naturalism and uproarious humour, George Saunders creates a world that is both indelibly original and yet hauntingly familiar.

Review: I didn't realise for a while that this was a short story collection (I didn't read the blurb and the first story is quite long) and in a way I was disappointed because I was enjoying the first one so much. It's called 'Pastoralia' and it's about a man who works in a caveman theme park where authenticity is taken to rather a startling level. The highlight of the day is finding a goat in their 'Big Slot' and some matches in their 'Little Slot' because otherwise all they have is 'Reserve Crackers'. His co-worker has personal problems and is not absolutely focused on the job in hand (ie she talks instead of grunts and she keeps trying to initiate conversations) .. on his 'Daily Partner Performance Evaluation Form' our caveman tries to cover up for her but the management are not buying it ... 'you know what it's like to me?' he says. 'The Bible. Remember that part in the Bible when Christ or God says that any group or organization of two or more of us is a body? I think that is so true. Our body has a rotten toe by the name of Janet, who is turning black and stinking up the joint, and next to that bad stinking toe lives her friend the good nonstinker toe, who for some reason, insists on holding its tongue, if a toe can be said to have a tongue. Speak up, little toe, let the brain know the state of the rot, so we can rush down what is necessary to stop Janet from stinking. What will be needed? We do not yet know. Maybe some antiseptic, maybe a nice sharp saw with which to lop off Janet. For us to know, what must you do? Tell the truth.'

Another favourite was a story called 'Sea Oak' which is about an aunt who comes back from the dead. Her view is that she's back to make up for the rubbish life she led whilst alive, she's also got some rather startling advice for her family. She died a virgin and that's one thing she wants to change, she's also turned into a bit of a potty mouth. Unfortunately though she's decomposing and bits soon start dropping off and oozing.

This is a weird and wonderful set of stories, set in modern America where consumerism and corporate speak rule. It's laugh out loud funny in places, crude though and littered with bad language. If you've got a bit of a bizarre, dark, sick, cynical sense of humour then these stories are for you. I didn't think I had but it made me laugh lots so what do I know. The only downside is that it's a bit repetitive in a 'life is sh*t' type of way and relentlessly grim so you tend not to want to read them all in one go .. there's only so much cynicism you can take in one sitting.

Grace Williams Says it Loud

Synopsis: The doctors said no more could be done and advised Grace's parents to put her away. On her first day at the Briar Mental Institute, Grace, aged eleven, meets Daniel. Debonair Daniel, an epileptic who can type with his feet, sees a different Grace: someone to share secrets and canoodle with, someone to fight for. A deeply affecting, spirit-soaring story of love against the odds.

Review: A triumph, I absolutely loved it. Grace is profoundly disabled and as such I don't think I've ever read a book from that perspective before. Outwardly Grace is all drools, incoherent speech and twisted body (the doctor's describe her as a 'complete imbecile' ... 'there's something so ghastly - so animal about them isn't there nurse?') but inside her mind is quick, vibrant and teeming with thoughts and ideas. It's brave and it doesn't shy away from the uncomfortable ... Grace hasn't got full control of her bodily functions (that's an understatement, but then again sometimes she actively encourages them to let loose .. as an act of rebellion) and within the institution she is a victim of sexual, physical and emotional abuse. All of this is told with spirit but always in Grace's matter of fact, candid style. In another persons hands it could be gloomy but in fact it's not at all, there are parts that will make you feel sad and at the beginning I found I had to shift my ideas a bit because I wasn't so sure that I wanted to face the realities of her world but I soon got over it and taken as a whole I found it quite joyous. Along with the devils there are also a few angels, those that actively want to help and bring happiness. Also Gracie finds a kindred spirit in Daniel - a sandy haired epileptic with no arms. He see's through her outward wrapping to the inner person, they sneak around together behaving like naughty children, lovesick teenagers and partners in crime, sharing secrets and stories, plotting, canoodling and exploring. They don't need words (though Daniel is a complete chatterbox) .. he understands her intuitively.

You won't find it an easy read, it can be both disturbing and shocking and it will constantly make you angry. Also Grace's streams of consciousness can sometimes be challenging, but you'll be rewarded by a totally original story that positively rings with vitality and authenticity. I've read a lot of books lately that were alright but nothing more, this one stood out above the rest.

'Sitting beside Daniel on the coach or train, swapping sandwiches - meat paste for Marmite - sticky thighs, itchy heads, scorching hard windows, and the nurses quick hands as they helped out. The flighty, sweaty heat of them. They always asked permission to leave their uniforms behind. It was always refused. Nevertheless, there was a mufti lightness in their step, a saucy brightness in their eyes, and even Matron sometimes smiled. Look. The sea, the sea, there was the sea. Often because it was low season June or early October, livid and full of heaving, breaking waves. A spray-shock on my face, eye-sting - cold - and a surprised tongue of salt, making me mashmack my lips and spew with my mouth. Daniel said he didn't like the sea - it made him claustrophobic. He said the sea was a grave, and a watery one at that. Drowning is meant to be a pleasant, painless way to die, Daniel said, but he believed it must be like being buried alive, only worse. Imagine the pressure of all that water - the airlessness and then, when your body and all your insides are nothing but silence and dark, that terrible sinking feeling. I knew that feeling, but I didn't agree - and anyway - hip hip hooray - Daniel liked the other sides of the sea. He liked the seaside. Like everybody.'

It's not really a beach book at all, though I ended up reading it on the beach because I quickly finished the one I had taken with me but it was perfect because it absorbed me so much that the noisy beach life going on all around me just disappeared.

I know a lot of people have struggled with it but like Gracie I'm going to say it loud ... I LOVED THIS BOOK .. in actual fact I loved it so much I wrote a message in pebbles to prove it.


I borrowed a library copy but I must get one of my own, even if I never read it again because I love to see favourite stories on the shelf. I am a bit worried about recommending it though because I've read a lot of negative reviews, so perhaps anyone interested should take the precaution of borrowing it from the library.

Love Letters of Great Men

Synopsis: From the private papers of Mark Twain and Mozart to those of Robert Browning and Nelson, Love Letters of Great Men collects together some of the most romantic letters in history. For some of these great men, love is a 'delicious poison' (William Congreve); for others, 'a nice soft wife on a sofa with good fire, & books & music' (Charles Darwin). Love can scorch like the heat of the sun (Henry VIII), or penetrate the depths of one's heart like a cooling rain (Flaubert). Every shade of love is here, from the exquisite eloquence of Oscar Wilde and the simple devotion of Robert Browning, to the wonderfully modern misery of the Roman Pliny the Younger, losing himself in work to forget how much he misses his beloved wife, Calpurnia. Taken together, these Love Letters of Great Men show that perhaps men haven't changed so very much over the last 2,000 years; passion, jealousy, hope and longing are all represented here as is the simple pleasure of sending a letter to, and receiving one from, the person you love most.

Review: For all romantics everywhere, this collection harks back to a time before telephones were invented and the only way of saying those three little words to anyone was to write them down and send them. Oh the joy of picking these up off the mat (or the silver salver) instead of bills, it would certainly cheer up your Monday morning. All things considered, it's hard to think that Henry VIII was ever soft hearted enough to write love letters. The one included here is to Anne Boleyn, and you can't help thinking that she would have been better off selling it on Ebay and using the proceeds to buy a one way ticket to farawayland. He included this little epistle with a gift, but before you start thinking he was nothing but a slushy old bear .. the gift was his own image set in a bracelet :0 Credit to him though for knowing that a necklace wouldn't be much good to her (sorry .. that was below the belt .. or above it .. oh dear, I'll move on.)

Napoleon's letters are a touch accusatory, it seems that whilst he was off fighting wars, Josephine was a bit lax at keeping in touch .. he writes 'what do you do all day, Madame?' and also 'do not put yourself out; run after pleasures; happiness is made for you. the entire world is too glad to be able to please you and only your husband is very, very unhappy'. A lot of the letters are comical but some are also quite sad.

Amongst my favourites were those sent by John Keats to his love Fanny Brawne (and that he could write such tender letters to someone called Fanny Brawne raises him in my estimation .. if you introduced yourself as that nowadays the man would never stop laughing .. mind you I'm having trouble.) John writes lovely things like 'I have been a walk this morning with a book in my hand, but as usual I have been occupied with nothing but you' *sigh* ... however he is a touch jealous and goes on to say that he resents 'my heart having been made a football'.

Other contributors include Mark Twain, Oscar Wilde, Lord Nelson, Lord Byron, Robbie Burns, Victor Hugo and Gustave Flaubert. Surprisingly there are none here from Winston Churchill who wrote many tender letters to his dear Clemmie but the last letter here was written in 1918 so perhaps his were just a little too late for inclusion.

I didn't read them all at once, I just sort of dipped in every now and then (though I have read them all now.) It does make you long for the days of quills and sealing wax and it can make you get a bit sniffy when your husband leaves you a note telling you not to forget cat food, but it also makes you feel all warm and squidgy like fudge cake.